My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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