what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
