i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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