I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
