On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No subtext here. People are naked.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Randomize
