12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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