I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
