apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
