I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i love accidental penises.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
