if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
