I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
