You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
