They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
