The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
