She is in my trunk
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
