I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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