I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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