I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
