when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
