In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
