Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
