I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
