I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
