And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
