i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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