Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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