Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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