She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
