I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
