My nipple is on Facebook.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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