I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
