Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
