sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
