I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
