This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
