i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
