Screwed.edu
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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