I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
