My sheets look like a crime scene.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
