Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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