i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
