I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
