Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
