Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
