Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
