There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
