Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
