Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
