I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
