We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
