She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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