its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
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